Archive for June, 2012

June 6, 2012

Something to offend Everyone!

I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’ I told him, ‘I wish I had your will power.’

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A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll find a way to lose it eventually ‘

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I walked past a stoner kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’ I said, ‘Nope, you’re still here.’

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Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, ‘fat chance,’ with a face like that!

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A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment.’

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Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since most doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

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Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself…’I’m going to take that.’

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Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

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I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

H/T Mike Staves